Saturday, October 23, 2010

move on?

I've been reminding myself to focus on the future and forget about the past. How can one move on with a brighter life if one dwells so heavily on the old, sad stories?
Yes I know but I've kept slipping.

Baby makes me smile, and seeing her grow reminds me of God's amazing grace. Shouldn't life be beautiful after all?
Well, the truth is, I am stubborn. Terribly stubborn and I tend to focus on negative events in life, regardless of how bright the sun seems to be shining outside the window.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

reflection upon motherhood

I decided to name this 'my new cell' to signify a beginning of a new life. Easier said than done, but I promise I'll try.
It's been 3 weeks since my baby was born. I was hoping that things will be different upon baby's arrival; even though I'm not positive that I'll change the way I desire, I am optimistic about certain changes - good ones I mean.

I realize that my biggest weakness is the utmost ability to dwell on the past. I was lying on my bed crying the other day with my baby in my arms - what was I crying about? Well, my own mother made it happen. After all these years, I still cannot get over the fact that I was being let down, disappointed by my own parents. I hate to be unprotected, to feel insecure about life, to maintain a negative outlook on everything, and to lose my emotional control when things don't go the way I want.

Yes I understand my past. Do I accept it? I don't know. The reason I entered this field apparently has to do with my unconscious desire to let go of my past. I wanted my parents to protect me from harm. I yearned for someone to listen to me when I was down as a child. I wished for someone to cheer me up and tell me that 'everything will be fine because mommy and daddy are here'. My sense of insecurity lingered on until this present moment, and it has a strong, destructive power. I realized that I get upset and emotional about things way easier than most others do. My ultra-sensitivity drives me crazy most of the times, and I wish to fight back yet not knowing how to and not being able to. I constantly live in anger and fear. Oh gee, how scary is that? I get angry at unfairness; I get upset when my territory is invaded. Reason being? My insecurities are at work. My anxiety never gives me a break.

It's ironic how I teach my patients relaxation techniques while I can't even practice what I say. Yes, do as I say, not as I do. I never want to give up on my efforts to become a better person.

Hubby believes that my fear will be overcome by my desire to protect my daughter. He thinks that I will be able to stand up for myself and for my daughter when need be. In other words, she'll empower me with everything I've wanted all along. We'll see if it's true.

One thing for sure - I love my baby so much that I simply can't stop thinking of her - even when she's right next to me. I recall that one day when we thought she wasn't drinking any milk as the amount of milk in the bottle remained the same after 30 minutes of attempt in feeding her, we went nuts. I broke into tears thinking that she must be unwell! Then my hubby found out that the nipple of the bottle was malfunctioning... and no milk was coming out from the nipple! That was why the baby wasn't taking in any milk at all. I know I'll never ever forget that moment.

My heart aches when my baby cries. Well there's always a reason to explain why a baby cries. But no, it matters to the least what rationale there is behind her tears and screaming - it simply aches my heart to see her face twisted and her mouth shivering when she cries and screams her lungs out. I used to hate it when babies cry, but now... a tiny shriek would draw my immediate attention to her.

I've been wanting to be a mom since adolescence. Now my wish came true. It's such a true delight to see my daughter's tiny body grow in size, ounces by ounces; inches by inches. I would not trade this experience for anything on earth!